Adventuring with Shatter Me series


One of the most important things on my bucket list for 2016 was to tour Egypt. I have not yet accomplished that, but I have been visiting certain places in Cairo that are worth mentioning.

While “adventuring around”, I have been reading the Shatter Me series, and it caused my inner fangirl so much pain.


Right after I finished exams, I was offered to work as a copy writer at some advertising company. At the beginning I was perplexed by the reality of working and keeping up with my social life. It was a horrible tragedy for my body, I was always exhausted. I still am. However, touring Cairo gave things a little spark. I was taking the shatter me books with me everywhere.

But let me start with a brief about the synopsis; our main character Juliette is stuck in an asylum, and she is desperately fighting to stay sane. She happens to have a “curse” which is that she can’t ever touch people or else, she’ll kill them. But then a boy, Adam, is sent to her cell and guess what? she can touch him. The reason remains unknown until the second book. The Reestablishment, the opposing force that’s taking over their world which happens to be the same force that put her in an asylum, has plans for Juliette to use her as a weapon of torture for those who rebel.

Major spoilers ahead:

Warner, the son of the head of the Reestablishment,  is not interested in Juliette because he wants to use her as a weapon, instead, he wants to observe her because his mother suffers a similar disease… except that his mother can’t even touch her own skin, so it’s basically killing her slowly.

Another minor detail is that Adam is a dick.

So I began with taking the first book with me at work. My mental state at that time was similar to Juliette’s. As in I didn’t like copy-writing at all and I was so intimidated by the place. I noticed that this happens every time I start something new. I become so scared and cry a lot. Juliette, just like me, was always so scared and intimidated by the what the world has become.

A minor detail: Juliette’s world is brutal, and like many parties in the world, they promised people change but none was offered.

Another minor detail (that I wish wasn’t so minor in the books): The reason for their world’s decline is that Earth became too abused and our environment started its own uprising.

The first book, briefly, was overstuffed with metaphors and poetic figures of speech that turned me off. However, if you’ve read the three books, excluding the novellas, you’ll easily understand Tahereh’s way of developing the story. In case you haven’t noticed; Tahereh, in the first book, crossed out many words that Juliette would think referring to her mental instability. By the second book, the crossing out decreased immensely, and in the last book, there was not one strike. Not even on the cover of the book.

I appreciate her talent. She was capable of creating one book filled with metaphors, and another with not-one-metaphor in sight.

Wait till you hear the playlist I made.

I gave the first book 2 stars for creativity.

I took Unravel Me with me to Hurghada.


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By the pool at Hurghada

My family’s yearly holiday destination. I read it by the beach or the pool and believe me, nothing could ruin my mood.

The second book discussed this theme of whether you should accept who you are, even if you’re partially evil, or change for the sake of acceptance? Not just acceptance… change to be better. This dilemma opened a gap in my brain and up till now i can’t ignore it. Thing is, a lot of times I pretend to be all goody-goody and cute. That’s not the truth at all. I’m not evil either but i’m definitely not a good person. I hate to admit it. I’m just not good. I get bored, and I end up doing things that I regret later. I think what makes me a good person is the fact that I regret those things. That’s it.

I began hoping that the book would give me an answer. Instead, it gave me more questions.

In the second book, I came across many beautiful quotes. I began falling slowly for the story and where it was headed.

My family came back to Cairo by the time I was wrapping up Unravel me. That’s when I had another adventure, that was to go to Cairo Tower.

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From above Cairo Tower

The scenery was more than perfect. But i’m not here to talk about that.

A week later, I started Ignite Me. Ignite Me is definitely my favorite. At work, I was beginning to feel okay about it. I actually started liking it. Social life wise, I was having tons of fun.

Honorable mentions: I took Ignite Me with me to many churches in Cairo. One thing you have to visit if you ever come to Cairo is the churches. Each church has its secrets and its personal features. For example, St. George’s church was built around the 10th century but a fire ate away its original form. Inside the church there is a closed set of stairs leading to an old Roman Tower. People believe that this old Tower was inhabited by devils. Maybe that’s why it is closed? I’m not sure.

There are many other churches, such as, The Hanging Church, which is built above a gatehouse of the Roman fortress in Old Cairo. Its roof is a replica of Noah’s Ark.

I visited Ben Ezra Synagogue, which was originally a church. Visited Mosque of Amr ibn al-As, which is the first mosque ever built in Egypt, and visited the Coptic Museum, which was as impressive and yeah it had more Greek artifacts rather than Coptic. Oh well.

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By the Nile

I have so many favorite parts and memories with Ignite me. I even had the worst book hangover anyone can have after finishing the books.

The book is over and tomorrow is my last day at work because college is almost here. Can you believe it? I’ll be a second year student. Time flies.

I say cheers to more adventures and more lives worth living.

This is my playlist for Shatter Me.

Let’s start from when Juliette was feeling left out and all alone. In other words; a monster. A creep.

13- Radiohead – Creep

“Sometimes I think the loneliness inside of me is going to explode through my skin and sometimes I’m not sure if crying or screaming or laughing through the hysteria will solve anything at all. Sometimes I’m so desperate to touch to be touched to feel that I’m almost certain I’m going to fall off a cliff in an alternate universe where no one will ever be able to find me.

 It doesn’t seem impossible.”

12- Halsey – Gasoline

What can I say? This is Juliette’s theme song.

 I’ve been screaming for years and no one has ever heard me.”

11- Halsey – Colors

Adam’s eyes are as blue as the song’s lyrics.

“But he’s not so different, either. He still has the most unusually blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Dark and deep and drenched in passion. I always wondered what it’d be like to see the world through such a beautiful lens. I wondered if your eye color meant you saw the world differently. If the world saw you differently as a result.”

10- Nancy Sinatra – Bang Bang

When Juliette shoots Warner.

9- Twenty One Pilots – Heathens

This song is for Omega Point’s people. I imagine them all with superpowers and as if those superpowers make them insane and they must belong to Heathens.

“Because sometimes you see yourself—you see yourself the way you could be—the way you might be if things were different. And if you look too closely, what you see will scare you, it’ll make you wonder what you might do if given the opportunity. You know there’s a different side of yourself you don’t want to recognize, a side you don’t want to see in the daylight. You spend your whole life doing everything to push it down and away, out of sight, out of mind. You pretend that a piece of yourself doesn’t exist.”

8- Filter – Happy Together

On a side note I love The Great Gatsby soundtrack so much. So this is from Warner to Juliette.

“And I’ve fallen.
So hard.
I’ve hit the ground. Gone right through it. Never in my life have I felt this. Nothing like this. I’ve felt shame and cowardice, weakness and strength. I’ve known terror and indifference, self-hate and general disgust. I’ve seen things that cannot be unseen.
And yet I’ve known nothing like this terrible, horrible, paralyzing feeling. I feel crippled. Desperate and out of control. And it keeps getting worse. Every day I feel sick. Empty and somehow aching.
Love is a heartless bastard.” – Destroy Me

7- Daughter – Medicine

According to the me, it’s Kenji who slaps Juliette back to reality in Unravel Me. I think this is from Kenji to Juliette.

6- Zola Jesus – Skin

Warner in a song. It’s the most perfect song for him.

“He’s 100 different people.
He’s the person who forced me to torture a toddler against my will. He’s the child so terrorized, so psychologically tormented that he’d try to kill his own father in his sleep. He’s the boy who shot a defecting soldier in the forehead; the boy who was trained to be a cold, heartless murderer by a man he thought he could trust. I see Warner as a child desperately seeking his dad’s approval. I see him as the leader of an entire sector, eager to conquer me, to use me. I see him feeding a stray dog. I see him torturing Adam almost to death. And then I hear him telling me he loves me, feel him kissing me with such unexpected passion and desperation that I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know what I’m walking into.”

5- Across the universe – I Wanna Hold Your Hand

Juliette to Aaron in Unravel Me. I loved that part when Warner read to her from her notebook… It just meant so much to her and how he knew everything she felt or thought. On another side note, the songs in that movie are one of my favorite soundtracks ever.

“But I see layers, shades of gold and green and a person who’s never been given a chance to be human and I wonder if I’m just as cruel as my own oppressors if I decide that society is right, that some people are too far gone, that sometimes you can’t turn back, that there are people in this world who don’t deserve a second chance and I can’t I can’t I can’t
I can’t help but disagree.”

4- X Ambassadors – Unsteady

Actually this song doesn’t fit in the series but they played it all the time at the office. Well maybe it relates to Adam as he was losing Juliette and unfortunately, losing our love for him as well.

“The tension is so thick it’s practically its own person, taking up a seat we don’t have to spare.”

3- Above & Beyond – Black Room Boy

I was buddy reading this book with Sherouk, my friend. This is her favorite song and believe it or not, it reminds me of Aaron. When he says, “With all this poison inside, it’s much too late to decide. You’ve got your mind made up, you’ve been living a lie in your white room.” in the song, it just reminds me of Warner.

For my love Warner.

“And if you insist on continuing to make assumptions about my character, I’ll advise you only this: assume you will always be wrong.”

2- Seafret – Oceans


“He kissed her like her lips were air and he couldn’t breathe.”

1- The NBHD – Sweater Weather

Just. Watch. The. Video. and relate it to Warnette. *CRIES-SCREAMS*

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” The world is blurring away as I watch it through the window. “And I don’t think you’re a psychopath. I also don’t think you’re a sick, twisted monster. I don’t think you’re a heartless murderer, and I don’t think you deserve to die, and I don’t think you’re pathetic. Or stupid. Or a coward. I don’t think you’re any of the things people have said about you.”

Finally I wanted to add another song for Kenji and Juliette but I couldn’t find the perfect one to describe their relationship.

I loved Shatter Me with all its memories. Thank you, love.


My Year in Books

2018 is saying its goodbyes and let me admit that I’m not too happy it’s leaving.

It was from beginning to end an ordinary year with nothing more exciting than a good meal with my family and a good book huddled with me in my bed. Or maybe I’m undermining it. Either ways any year is definitely better than 2017, which was the year that brought me down and toughened me up due to reasons such as losing my grandmother and all the many many many… Many rejections. As long as it isn’t 2017, it’s a good year.

I was happy in 2018. I experienced so many things and the dew on my petals fell, as the sunflower began to blossom.

This is my top 10 best reads. I’m not reviewing the books because I already did that on Goodreads, however, I am mentioning the book along with its memories in 2018.

10- City of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare

tumblr_mtxymnyJlY1rstu7zo1_500I do not remember much of what exactly was happening in my life when I read this at the beginning of the year but I know that I have a thing or two for Cassie Clare’s magical writing. It took me five years to finish this series and I had to end it in 2018. Wrapping up unfinished businesses was on my to do list this year and this series was one of them.

9- Crash Into You by Katie McGarry


The cover is horrifyingly ugly. However my memories with this book are as fond to me as chocolate is for my taste buds. I read this during the time I became an intern at Identity Magazine. This experience made me realize that I want to write on my own terms and conditions. I do not want to be told to write about what’s “trending” or what makes the people “click” on the post so the magazine gets more views to be able to impress the famous brands into paying more for this cliché magazine. I hate everything about its core structure. I hate how mind-numbing reading its posts is. I hate how they manage to compel youngster’s minds into believing that reality is very much related to fashion and the scandalous lives of actors and actresses. Nevertheless, I had fun because in my two weeks spent there I tried as much as I can to not let go of my values; that is write with a purpose. My purpose wasn’t to get people to read my article so I can affirm a commercial culture under a capitalist consumerist regime. No. My purpose was to more or less spread awareness.

You can check my articles in Identity here:

The book, Crash into You, came in handy because every year I pick one cheesy love story and read it in order to numb that truly stereotypically feminine side of my brain. This book made me fall in love with cars. The idea of driving one makes me tingle. I even let one of my friends teach me all the basics about the insides of a car.

8- The Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway


This is the first Hemingway book I’ve read and I realized while reading it how much I adore the writings of classic Americans. It got me thinking why EDCU never teaches us American novels… I mean yeah they almost taught us Gatsby in 3rd year in the American course but how on earth am I graduating from an English department without reading Salinger, Hemingway, Harper Lee, and others who are really important? Alas, I’ll read them on my own then. This book’s memory is my graduation project and as much as I hate to admit it; as everyone was enjoying their topics and their submissions, taking lots of photos for the memories, my graduation project gifted me with a cloud hovering over my head at most times. The fact that my professor was not convinced with all what I’m trying to say made me feel like a loser. I hate that feeling. I kept trying and trying to impress the professor and do what I do best; shine, but it just didn’t work. What I hated the most was that my ideas were formulated in an organized way and my grades prove it but the fact that my professor did not acknowledge my potential made me suffer. I do not blame him. I do not blame myself. I do not blame anyone as a matter of fact. I hated seeing everyone making those precious memories which I’ll look back at with only bitter, sour feelings towards my first research ever. (Definitely not the last)

7- Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami

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This book is HUGE, which is exactly why I have plenty of memories with it. First off, I was buddy reading it with Sarah CoolKid so I wasn’t alone in sharing my confusion of what the hell on Earth is going on in that book… I was truly confused with all what is happening with the Oedipal complex trauma and the end of the world drama. It is an insane book. Secondly, I was reading this during my internship at Fulbright Binational Commission, which lasted for two months. These days are my favorite days during the vacation. The work was addictive, the company was more than perfect, and the memories I made at this place are truly some of the best I’ve made in a while. Not to forget the drama related to boys that was included (I won’t go deep into that because it’s quite the turn of events, however I love to remember the experience as a whole, and it even got me closer to one of the people I love genuinely now.) I learned so much during my experience at Fulbright. My fashion choice even changed and I became a tad interested in shopping. I was always the type of person who wears whatever, but having been required to dress in semi-formal everyday for two months definitely made me think twice about my closet choices. I love this radical change.

I took this book with me to Alexandria during our annual Family travels. The photo above is actually one that I captured. I loved Alexandria this year. The villa we were staying at was right in front of the sea, and my dog, Ba7r managed to be the most free spirited dog out there in the garden. The town itself was customized with gothic architecture and a haunted feeling. Just what I love. I loved this spirit of dark ambiance that filled the entire street at night, especially when my cousin taught me and my sister how to drive in those streets. (I loved stirring the wheel)

bonus pic: Bahr playing in the garden of Poseidon, WhatsApp Image 2018-12-30 at 5.07.52 PM

6- Great Expectations by Charles Dickens


What can I say? Dickens’ ability to describe a scene leaves me in awe for the world of fiction. It was not just that. It was the novel course last year, which up till now is my favorite course of all time. Professor Iveen, who possesses the most euphoric personality as a teacher I’ve ever seen, had this lulling voice that made her lectures feel like a dream. I would wake up excited for her lectures, waiting to be thrown into that dream-like state as she reads the paragraphs from the book and asks us to interpret them on our own. I’ve never felt entirely independent while analyzing a paragraph except when she asked us to do so. Her surreal lectures with her soothing voice and her beautiful descriptions while explaining made this entire experience feel like a lullaby. If Amadeus Mozart was personified as a lecture, this would be it.

5- Bloodlines, The Golden Lily, The Indigo Spell by Richelle Mead


Again an ugly cover, yet an amazing content. The covers betray what rests inside these vampire books. They are a total of six books. I only read the first three, which were amazing by the way. I have a soft spot for kick-ass vampires, and especially Richelle Mead’s world because this series is a spin-off from Vampire Academy, the series that made me fall in love with reading eight years ago.

During 2018’s vacation, I drained myself socially. The social Chameleon that is me is officially on her deathbed. As a result, at the beginning of Fourth year’s semester, I turned into a social panda. I kinda still am in that phase but not as bad as it was. My friends hate me for not wanting to text, go out, talk, or even call. I understand. What they don’t know is that instead of doing these things, I turned my attention to vampire books, Gilmore girls, and Gossip girl. Can I say that I missed fangirling? Gilmore girls unlocked a side of me that I buried three years ago; that is the awkward social fangirl who cannot stop talking, thinking, and watching/reading the TV shows/books she is currently stuck in. and God how good it was to see my inner psycho unleash. Gilmore girls taught me so many things, one of them is to accept my eccentricity, and to embrace my love for popular culture along with the marginalized culture of “things to like”. I mean now I confess to everyone that I listen to Ariana Grande and at the same time listen to Guns N’ Roses. I think this duality makes me who I am and I will not be ashamed of it anymore. Gossip Girl taught me that love goes to all these extreme measures, that my dreams can be bigger, and that I should most welcomely love my narcissistic self with no apologies to what society thinks. If I am insecure, I’m insecure about being too confident. I just feel like it is not the right thing. A person should be humble and such but I also agree that keeping the balance is healthy. While Gilmore are my family, Gossip are my best friends. I now dream of visiting Paris, finding love like Chuck and Blair’s, Visiting Yale’s campus (maybe even lecture at it sometime in the very very very far future) very… far…, and finally to never judge.

4- The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald 


I read this because I thought we were going to study it in our third year American course. I loved it and hated it if that’s possible. I mean the roaring 20’s is definitely my number one place to visit if I were a time traveler, but unfortunately I’m not. All I can say about my memories while reading this book that they were related to moving on from 2017’s major breakdowns. I believe this was the book I was reading when I became Scriptwriting Workshop manager at Arabesque, and this was an experience that taught me how to organize things when I’m in control. I managed to create a successful spirit for the people in the workshop and managed to add managerial, and leadership skills to my personality. I enjoyed this time. It was the calm after the storm.

3- A Portrait of The Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce


I cannot describe how much of an impact this book was. Again back to Professor Iveen’s Dream-like lectures, I was mesmerized by Joyce’s writing and themes. I was so mesmerized that Stephen Daedalus’ character started imprinting itself on me. I refer to this phase as my ground-shaking-doubts phase. I had ground shaking doubts about everything and anything. Religion, friends, identity, family, country… everything. I remember this phase by remembering my talks with Sarah everyday about the hows and whys of the world. I remember consulting with different types of people and different types of books. I remember staying at college for hours and hours joking about my conflicting feelings. I was in conflict with myself until the moment I realized that this conflict is one that will never end. I remember being judged for acting the way I did. I remember accepting that I am different than society and still am. I remember realizing that not everyone will understand what or why I act the way I do. I remember hating myself. I remember loving myself. I remember everything from beginning to end intertwined in a confused impulse all inside my head. I do not want to explain it. But I want to announce that this book changed me soulfully. This book is engraved deep in my mind and my soul along with its memories.

2- No one Sleeps in Alexandria by Ibrahim Abdelmegeuid


I was only beginning to accept my “Ground-shaking-doubts” phase when I started to read this book. I also learned that many people were gossiping about me behind my back which made me downhearted. I read it during 3rd year’s finals. It was a weird time because during exams I get so stressed and with all of the other things going on I was unhappy. This book made me happy. My favorite genre is historical fiction. Finding the perfect historical fiction in Arabic blessed my days because I do not read much Arabic. I even got more lucky when on my birthday Atwa bought me the second book, Birds of Amber, as a present, and coincidently, the author of the book was visiting our faculty and I had him sign it. This book gave me an antidote to my sadness. The numbness was good for my health. During the vacation, right after exams ended, before I started all the internships, Sarah slept over with me at my family’s “other” home at the fifth settlement. These 4/5 days healed Sarah and I completely. We spent our days talking, annoying my sister, walking Bahr, eating, eating, eating, and watching movies. I used to wake up, unusually, early to read No one Sleeps in Alexandria before anyone woke up, except Bahr of course, he literally can hear your change of breathing pattern once you wake up and he comes to play. 2018’s vacation was a blessing from God. With Tagamo3 days, Identity, Fulbright, and being an organizer at the conference held by the ministry of Planning and Investment to honor the workers in all ministries, I consider this year a huge success.

1- Mornings in Jenin by Susan Abulhawa


Mornings in Jenin wins first place. This is my favorite book this year. As I quit social life, and delved into the academic one, (as if I haven’t been delving into the academic life for the past 3 years) I chose post colonial Novel as the One for my selected topics novel. What a great decision that was. Post-colonial theory opened my eyes to the world. Even though I love historical fiction, I never analyzed the books in this genre from the post -colonial perspective. It is such a diverse world, to the extent that I’m aware that my masters will most probably be related to post colonialism.  Professor Pervine’s excellent choice of novels made my year. This book has everything. I loved Arabs so much through this book. I was never connected to the roots that connect Egypt to Arabs. From the course’s entertaining analysis, to the story’s tone which varies from sexual to nostalgic, from collective, to individual, from aesthetic, to factual. I loved everything about it. My memories with this book take me back to EDCU. 2018 is the year I decided that I must participate more in the extracurricular activities that my department offers. All the previous years I was so consumed by Arabesque that I forgot what it’s like to do something new. Luckily for me, my department had three amazing events. The first one was a symposium that the department hosts every two years. The symposium was literally an Agora, as Arendt would refer to it, for my mind. I attended the three days and was blissfully drowning in knowledge. The information I have from these 3 days can last me a lifetime.

The second event was a book club. Fortunately for me the book club required the attendees to read Inferno by Dan Brown, which I read last year, and then we discussed it. Maryam and I had the pleasure of talking about books at our sacred department with 2 amazing professors, one of which belongs to the “elders”- or this is what Sarah, Maryam, and I call this group of really intimidating professors who are really ancient in the department- all of this while sipping TEA. Can my life be more perfect?

The third event was the poetry recital. I actually wrote my own poem and recited it in front of a huge number of people. Performing in front of a huge number of people isn’t something new for me, since I participated in Choreography and Storytelling workshops before, but reciting a poem is definitely what made this experience amusing. Halima, Sarah, and I were giddy with excitement for this opportunity. Not many people know that but I love reciting poetry so much, especially Sylvia Plath. So this was an amazing experience.


Wow. Who would have known that 2018 had so many events for me? Before I began writing this I had no clue that this year was so eventful. I am proud of who I’ve become. I’m proud of being more of the person I’m meant to be. 

I want to state that there are many other memories like traveling with Sherouk to Sahel, and like my memories at home this year, or my Netflix phase, or having my nose pierced during my birthday week (MY BIRTHDAY WEEK WAS A HUGE SUCCESS THIS YEAR. IT IS DEF ONE I WILL NEVER FORGET THANKS TO SARAH, MAYAR, MUM, AND SHEROUK). I am grateful for every person who made this year an amazing one for me: Mum, Mayar, Sherouk, Sarah, Dina M., Dina S., Boosy, Maryam, Halima, and my Eves…. and many more (I’m scared I’ll forget someone). I truly love them so much.

Wishes for next year? – May I continue to be grateful, and grow more.

Thank you 2018, you were good to me.


A night full of poetry

Could not have said it better


Back in lower secondary (grades 7-9), I used to be super active at school taking part in the student council, volunteering in event-organizing and tutoring and representing the school in various events. I was very passionate about all the extra work and spent hours after school planning, working on or executing some new project.

Towards the end of high school it became a little trickier due to the amount of study and when I moved to Egypt and started uni, practically nonexistent… It became about just attending lectures and doing course work. I know that many in my year take part in activities like TedX and MUNs, but for me, managing the school and home part together seemed too overwhelming in Cairo (even before baby) to have any energy for extras.

After Yunus was born and after the turbulent first year of his life, I started getting feelings of exclusion…

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Are You Eccentric?

Laura Grace Weldon

Being yourself. (image: Irish_Eyes) Being yourself. (image: Irish_Eyes)

I met Betty years ago when I moved to a place teeming with all sorts of progressive people. Still, Betty stood out. She was a large lady dressed in layers of brightly colored clothes who walked with the help of a carved walking stick. Because her eyesight was so poor she often asked for help reading street signs. I was the lucky person she asked one day.

We hit it off immediately, riffing on words and laughing wryly about politics. But when I made a banal comment (probably about the weather or something equally trite) Betty wanted none of it. She asked why I bothered to say it. While I was busy thinking about her question she moved on to far more fascinating topics. Her honestly was more overt than the huge pendant dangling around her neck. I admired her for it. I was newly married…

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A Short Analysis of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 97: ‘How like a winter hath my absence been’

Interesting Literature

A commentary on Shakespeare’s 97th sonnet

Sonnet 97 has a famous opening line, but the rest of the poem remains less famous. Yet the poets Samuel Taylor Coleridge and Don Paterson have both expressed admiration for it, so the sonnet is worth closer analysis and explication. Before we proceed to a few words of commentary on Sonnet 97, here’s a reminder of the poem.

How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December’s bareness everywhere!
And yet this time removed was summer’s time;
The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,
Bearing the wanton burden of the prime,
Like widow’d wombs after their lords’ decease:
Yet this abundant issue seemed to me
But hope of orphans, and unfathered fruit;
For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,
And, thou away, the…

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Maturity with Dickens


I pledge my soul to memorizing the day I finished my first Dickens. It took me a long time, and as a matter of fact I thought I was never going to read the entire thing. Not because I can’t but because I thought it was lame. Now that this is over; I feel victorious.

Completely out of my mind. Completely in touch with my emotions, I begin to understand the concept of the Bildungsroman. I begin to mature and ascertain myself as a woman. I believe I am in debt to third year of college to having my emotions mature to the level of acceptance. I was half insane, half blind, half corrupt with my liking for another existence. That was one year ago. Why is Great Expectations in any way related? That is because I am in awe to the universally acknowledged fact of having lost your wits over a mundane.

But that’s the reality of it. Mundane. Mundane is associated with something earthly rather than heavenly. Heavenly. Out of our worlds. Beyond expectations. Great expectations.

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.”

No more. I have been reshaped to a stronger, fiercer, brighter woman. My self loathe turned to self lust. My agony turned to absolute, outright freedom. My claim of a dramatic life, turned to claim for an intense future.

In a nutshell, I admire Great Expectations I’ve become acquainted with all its morals and all its ideas along the course of two/three months, thus leaving me with an expansion of words about it. I shall be brief yet concise.

Pip is born into a low class family, and orphan indeed, mistreated by his sister in a way, and one incident right at the beginning of the novel changes his destiny- that is if you’re a believer of destiny and fate. He meets a convict who asks (if you consider holding him upside down and threatening his life a form of ‘asking’)  him for food and Pip feels pity towards him and gives him food the following day. You have to keep in mind that one day Pip was asked to go to Satis house and play in front of an old, creepy woman, but nonetheless, a rich, old, creepy woman. This woman asks him to play with a girl named Estella. Pip likes the heartless Estella and likes the notion of wealth along with it.

This notion of “wealth” is indeed the core of the novel. It is integrated with how the government and law are somewhat problematic. It is also fused with Pip’s strong emotions towards Estella that are somewhat psychotic, and  finally it is blended with the idea of kindness that is put in sharp contrast to being aristocratic.

6- Nick Cave – Into My Arms

I beg Dickens to stop describing at times, but he is the master of words. He is the master of infinite images and symbols majestically put in sentences. I attribute my lack of interest to the fact that I have a deadline for reading it because of class…

Pip then is offered to be a gentleman and live in England. He then accepts the offer to fulfill his dream and to try and get the girls as well because wealth gets you any woman, right?

Well not Estella.

5- Led Zeppelin – Heartbreaker

Each character is uniquely built fort. Strategically built to touch on many themes including social class, loyalty, criminality, friendship, love, hypocrisy, maturity, and most importantly ambition.

My favorite character is definitely Miss. Havisham. She is a prototype and the events that take place are all because of the fire she initiated, or as a matter of fact was initiated on her.

It takes much intelligence to coalesce and merge all these stories into one plot, and Dickens has proficiently done it.

4- Fleetwood Mac – Go Your Own Way

You have to see that living with these characters make you understand and see the world in a way that builds this desire inside of you to take part in it by being more generous and more charitable. At least that’s how I felt.

The whole social class difference screams for attention in all societies and all ages. I began to notice that I, myself, create some sort of class distinction in my head, but this is based on the archetype that society inflicted on me. I try to enclose these ideas inside of my brain but i find them crawling at the back of my head. I’m grateful for them, however, because when these ideas exist, so my criticism for them is built on self experience not on some bullshit I heard someone say in the street or on TV or even in class. I get to form my own opinion about this subject matter.

Dickens inspired me to do the whole serialization thing because I keep imagining if people were cliffhangers which cliffhanger would they be.

I’ve done myself justice reading this. I understand that I am a more tolerant person. I am more focused. I remember last year when everything was falling to pieces and my life was a series of deaths and health issues, and I think to myself how developed my character is now. I’m another fort you may say. I hold within me a strong wall of which no one, no rumors, no harassments, no words, no friendships, no losses can break. I am well-defended.

Sometimes, I don’t want to remember, but then i forget that those are the things and these are the feelings that I should, and ought to always bear in mind.

3- Jeff Buckley – forget her

I am protected. I am enriched.

And so is Pip.

I see the trivialities in the world and I see it’s solemness. I see the unending hypocrisy of people, and I see their innocence. I see the stereotypes, but I use Deconstruction. I’m sure Derrida would be proud.

I highly recommend reading this novel. It’s long and weary but I promise; it is worthy of all the time spent.

Here are my favorite quotes,

5- “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”


4- “I looked at the stars, and considered how awful it would be for a man to turn his face up to them as he froze to death, and see no help or pity in all the glittering multitude.”


3- “We changed again, and yet again, and it was now too late and too far to go back, and I went on. And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and the world lay spread before me.”


2- “And still I stood looking at the house, thinking how happy I should be if I lived there with her, and knowing that I never was happy with her, but always miserable.”


1- “Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.”

Lastly, I know the romanticized love is overrated. I could not stand how arrogant she is yet he keeps on loving her. It is just similar to the notion of love at first sight, which I definitely do not associate with human beings.

One last song

(keep in mind this is Pip’s playlist for Estella)

1- Beth Hart – Caught up in the Rain

I hope I have put my words coherently and I hope I have done my reading experience justice.

Hamlet (The Ghost)


This is basically the story of Hamlet.

Throughout the past semester I didn’t want to write claiming that “studying” is the thing that is keeping me off track. Honestly i just didn’t want to write or blog or do anything as a matter of fact. Now that i have decided to get back to doing things, experimenting other panels in my life, exploring different aspects, and imploring God to give me a bright future, I decided to use the thing that has been stopping me from writing in order to write. 

Which is why i decided to write about my syllabus… particularly the parts i like.

Hamlet is a story that i like very much. I prefer Macbeth, but nevertheless Hamlet is fine.

Now this is one aspect of many in Hamlet and in my opinion it is a very important aspect.

*drum rolls*

The Ghost. (duuh)

I will be brief, for “brevity is the soul of wit.”

The ghost appears three times in the play. And the fact that he appears in Act one in the very first scene arouses this sense of mystery and suspicion, especially when this scene is already filled with a sense of confusion along with the feel of darkness and doubt.

He doesn’t speak at all unless Hamlet is present and this, in my humble opinion, reflects how this ghost only chooses to speak to royalty. The ghost also has this sense of purpose. He’s here to talk to Hamlet and tell him that he’s been killed and that he wants revenge, and the moment Hamlet loses the sense of direction towards this purpose (im referring to the closet scene), the ghost comes back to remind him that his only duty is to avenge his death… to kill the uncle for sure.

Aside from these trivialities, the ghost also speaks in a refined manner, and is very eloquent.

I believe that if it weren’t for the ghost, Hamlet would have continued on being emo and just died peacefully, but since the ghost told him to revenge his death, he is the catalyst for Hamlet’s confusion… He is the spark that ignites the fire (keeping in mind that Hamlet had his doubts… actually Hamlet is always in doubt which is exactly why he used the Mousetrap to make sure the ghost wan’t simply a devil whose aim is to trick poor, wretched souls.)


“Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder”

The real question here:

Is the ghost real? — real on the level of how ghosts can be real or not real, i’m sure you get my point, as in quote unquote “real” you know? not like “real” real… get me?

Now back to the point, Is The Ghost Real?

well i’m actually confused i mean at the beginning he didn’t speak so you’d think he is not real, but then everyone saw him, so you’d feel he’s real…

then he talks to hamlet and you’re sure he is real, but then during the closet scene he talks to hamlet but Gertrude doesn’t see him, so you’re not sure whether he’s real or not real…????

real or not real?

I think i’ll go with real but Hamlet’s subconscious made him up during the closet scene (isn’t this story a bit psychological?)… or maybe the ghost chooses who to show himself to, but that’s rather odd because why would he appear to Horatio and Marcellus? it is of no use.

I rest my case regarding this ghost.

All the Bright Places Playlist


You mean all the depressing places?

Yeah I know, I suck at being funny ha ha.

5- Alter Bridge – Broken Wings

I’ve decided to include the music in between my rambling.

This depressing book sucks, but not too much. I mean this book compiles sucking and moderate perfectly, and I want to state why.

First of all, like I’ve said on my Goodreads review the topics discussed are really interesting and my favorite part was the wandering.

What I never mentioned in my review was the thing I hate the most.

The Parents.

The parents in this book play a tragic role, but in order to get to that I need to start from the beginning.

Since my days these days are pretty boring, all I do is read. There is not much going on except for my Guitar practicing and my home workouts (which I had to pause because I’m having a leg injury). So when I read All the Bright Places, I wasn’t enthusiastic at all.

The book begins with Theodore Finch, our protagonist, standing on the ledge of a bell tower at his school in Indiana and people not giving him much or any attention. Until one girl points at something or rather someone beside Theodore and that is Violet Markey.

Finch saves her ass from falling and tells everyone she saved his, except that in truth, it is the other way around.

Finch becomes obsessed with Violet and stars a Facebook page just to add her, and believe it or not; she is his only Facebook friend. I find that creepy okay? You can’t argue.

Finch persists on being creepy and i don’t understand why or how Violet thinks some of those supposedly creepy things “cute”… That tells you something about her own mental stability.

Violet, indeed, has a backstory. Her sister, about a year ago, died in a car accident and Violet survived it. Violet, ever since then, has been using this as an excuse to stop doing all the shitty house and school work, and writing.


Anyway, Finch decides that Violet should be his “way out” because at it seems, he suffers from something called, or actually he calls it; the Asleep. Not the song. Again with my failure attempts of trying to be funny ha ha. 

The Asleep is basically him sleeping for countless amount of days and Finch throughout the entire book is trying to avoid “the asleep”.

As my sister said when I told her the story, “he seems that he picked her to be his savior…”

It never occurred to me, but when I thoroughly thought about it, I found my sister’s opinion correct because he even tried to go to a group therapy by the end of the book.

So Finch and Violet are now “Wandering” Indiana in order to complete a project assigned to them, and BTW Finch forced her into teaming up with him. Not. Creepy. At All.

The wanderings were my favorite part in the book.

4- Anathema – Flying

I freaking love Anathema.

What pissed me off the most was romanticizing Finch’s mental illness. The book made him very “artsy” and “unique” in the things he does and the way he sees the world. I just know for sure that that’s not how mentally ill people feel. They literally feel like, I don’t want to do anything at all. all day, every day, I just want to lie down and just sleep, or disappear.

Briefly, they got together and things went great for a while until Finch let go to his illness. Now, throughout the book, we notice that Finch mentions suicide a lot and he keeps stating facts about it all the time. We also notice that his favorite color is blue, and that he likes water very much…

Finch’s birthday: Apparently Finch wasn’t feeling well. He felt unstable

3- Kings of Leon – Closer

It was coming closer. This instability was contagious. I applaud Jennifer Niven for how she wrote that part. Like I said on my Goodreads review,  I could feel Finch’s chaotic mind in my own chest.

He is bipolar. He painted his room blue after it was red and he moved his room’s furniture to his walk-in closet. Repainted the walk-in closet and lived in there. You know what’s the worst part? His mum never noticed.

During his birthday, Ultraviolet (he liked to call her that), confronted him about what one of her old friends told her about him. Her old friend, Amanda told her that she saw Finch at that therapy group for people who tried committing suicide. He got angry and they had a major fight and I guess the last string to his survival was broken right there at that moment. Violet left after he offended her, and he collected his stuff and left his house for good.

Guess what? when Violet knew and told her parents, her parents called Finch’s mum and she told them, “He eventually comes back.” She didn’t call the police. She didn’t try to look for him. She just knew he always comes back. How stupid this mother is.

In one of the wanderings they went to a place called “The blue hole”, things got intense there.

A month passed and Finch didn’t show up.

2- Julia Stone – It’s all okay

Then one day, Finch’s sister arrived at Violet’s house and told her that he sent them all eerie messages. Like they’re Finch’s final statements to them.

She goes to his room to look for any clues on where he might be, and she finds some leading her to the blue hole.

As if Finch wanted to be saved. As if he was waiting for her to come to his closet and find them.

It was a little too late.

She told his mother that he’s at the blue hole and that she’s sure. Guess what?

His mother told her, you go. What a fucked up Mother. She had no right.

When Violet arrived at the blue hole, she found Finch’s clothes organized on top of each other, but she never found Finch. She called 911 and then they found his body in the blue hole.


But his parents (he has a father yes but that father has another family) said it was an accident. They were ashamed of the suicide idea.

How fucked up is that?

Now this is a call for all parents,

You can’t ignore the signs. You can’t think that you’re doing your job because you ask your kids “what did your teachers give you today?”

You have to be responsible and selfless. Don’t ignore the signs of your kids’ fucked up brains. It shows, you ignore. Don’t. Ignore.

I hope one day when I grow up and become a parent myself that I don’t choose to ignore the signs and pretend i’m a good parent by asking them everyday if their school was fine when I know that the real question should be how are you feeling.

Talk to your kids. Listen to your kids.

In All the Bright Places, his mother and father didn’t care enough, and his father used to hit him on the head. It’s stupid really because if only his mother saw that he moved his room’s furniture to his walk-in closet, or if she noticed how he painted his room blue, or if she cared enough to try and look for him when he left, she would have saved herself and Violet the heart break.

Here is the final song. A song to Finch.

1- Poets of the Fall – Temple of thought



Confusion with Ruby Red Trilogy


I’m constantly torn between one thing and its opposite. I can’t begin to describe how mixed up I get sometimes because i’m not sure if that thing i’m doing is the thing I want or if it is the right thing to do. I have no idea how it all began but let me elaborate on this point.

Its been two months since I last updated anything on this blog and i’m not sure why. I need to update frequently. The past two months, unlike the two months before them, were ‘silent.’ By silent, I mean there were no events taking place and maybe that is why i become so confused when i’m surrounded by this eerie silence. My friends, nowadays, are silent as well. This is even worse. What makes it all shitty is how i start bringing up old affairs that I thought I was over. I am over everything that happened before the beginning of this year to be clear, but I keep digging up stupid memories out of the deepest, locked up rooms in my head. Unfortunately for me, I dwell on them.

Why am I confused? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m hormonal? I’m once again not sure. However, what i know for sure are the two opposite thoughts that are always running in my head about basically everything. I mean who on earth isn’t sure about the fact that they love the winter or summer more? well yeah I am.

Biggest (current) dilemmas: For a starter, I’m not sure whether i’m a good person or a bad person, I’m not even sure what does each of them really mean? I’m not sure about the people I’m surrounded by… whether I love them or I’m pretending? I’m not sure whether leaving my place in the old life was the right decision? but my sister keeps reminding me how i was so sick of their pretentious attitude. But who am I to judge right? I’m not sure I want to travel in a year for a scholarship and dropout for one year… I’m not sure I want to work because it makes me feel like I’m suddenly older, yet i want to experience this so bad. I’m not sure what person do I want to be or what do I want to do for a living? I’m not sure about practically any fucking thing.

Uncertainty sucks. Which brings me to the beautiful trilogy Ruby Red by Kerstin Gier. Well I was reading it and while doing so I wasn’t overthinking anything. My mind wasn’t silent. One thought was drowning me ever since I started this book and that is; if I were a time traveler, I would be everything.

The book is about a girl named Gwendolyn or Gwenyth (in the English version) and this girl discovers that she is the last of the twelve time travelers that exist and throughout the three books she encounters difficulties that endanger her life and bla bla bla. Its an awesome book; excuse my poor summarizing power, but I’m seriously not in the mood right now. I’m only giving you a hint of what the book is about. So anyway, in the second book, two characters go back in time to watch the first time ever hamlet was performed on stage. Can you imagine how epic that is? I want to be capable of dressing up and going back and watching history make itself with my own eyes, maybe it will lessen the uncertainty a bit.

Now back to my whole “i’m confused” shit. In my humble opinion, I think those are the words of a PMSing teenager, however; I can’t just dismiss the odd sensation of not knowing where and how and what to do all the time. But then again, maybe I’m just bored and overthinking stuff.

The worst part about this whole problem is how it’s starting to creep into each aspect in my life. For example, today I was debating whether or not I should post a Facebook status saying my opinion about something because I’m not sure people will understand completely, but my other self was telling me do it dude, it’s your facebook page. Another example, how one of my Facebook friends published a status with her opinion and it isn’t exactly like my own and i paused in her comment section for about fourteen minutes considering whether or not I should post my “anti” opinion or will this be considered some kind of act against her own freedom of speech but then again the situation turned the table and forced me to prevent myself from the simple right of saying my opinion deliberately. Keeping in mind how I knew this person’s reaction would be. She’d probably think I’m close minded or something of that matter.

Anyway, this endless whirlpool is creating a gape in my brain and I cannot escape it. It will end soon, I just need to keep busy and stop the silence.

Okay I’m done ranting, time for some music and booktalk.

5- James Bay- Let it go


-Ready when you are.”

Gwen and Gideon were such a messed up couple if you ask me. Their relationship was based on pure lack of communication. Ironic huh? Well definitely. I liked how they connected because they were put together against many obstacles and it just made the closer.

4- Hozier – Arsonist’s lullaby

“It’s funny, but I was just thinking I wouldn’t mind a repeat of that boring evening when we elapsed to 1953,” said Gideon. “Just you and me and Cousin Sofa.”

I wish we got to know Gideon more as a person and the way he thinks and all but oh well. I still fondly appreciate what we got from him. I mean that part in Sapphire Blue when he was treating her like shit. IT BROKE ME INTO PIECES.

My favorite scene is the one with him and her and cousin Sofa… and how he helped her with the Minuet.

3- Kygo – Fragile

“The raven red, on ruby pinions winging its way between the worlds, hears dead men singing. It scarce knows it strength, the price it scarce knows, but its power will arise and the Circle will close.”

My favorite character is Xemerius. His sense of humor must be appreciated i’m telling you.

2- Lost stars – Adam Levine

“The lion-as proud as the diamond bright,
Though the spell may be clouding that radiant light-in the death of the sun what’s amiss will then mend, while the raven is dying discloses the end.”

I love how they were only twelve time travelers and how each of them has his own special diamond. It’s beautiful I swear. This book is the first book I read about time traveling and I want more from it since now I consider it the super power I wish I had.

1- In My Veins – Andrew Belle

” Even the way Gideon raised it and tucked it under his chin! He didn’t have to do more than that to carry me away with him. His long lashes cast shadows on his cheeks, and a lock of hair fell over his face as he began passing the bow over the strings. The first notes filling the room almost took my breath away, they made such tender, melting music, and suddenly I was close to tears.”

*squeals* This moment is worthy of fangirling. I’m fangirling all over the place. ALL OVER THE PLACE I’M TELLING YOU.

You can read my detailed review about the series here: My review on Goodreads 


First time on stage with We Were Liars


Its not that I was on stage with the book. no, that would’ve been weird. But it was in fact the book I was reading during this “phase.” You have no idea how much it hurts calling it a “phase” because I wish for it to be something more than that.

Okay so last term I applied for  a student activity and got accepted. It went like this: Storytelling workshop has so many different people. Storytelling workshop write a lot about how they feel. Storytelling workshop decided to stay one night till 10:00 pm (an hour after the workshop ends-daily.) and talk about the things that make them angry, sad, happy, whatever you name it, whatever feeling you had or ever will have, we talked about it. Storytelling workshop are sharing their past traumas. Storytelling workshop are so cool. Storytelling workshop are having awesome debates about what’s right and what’s wrong, and they are all listening to each other. Storytelling workshop love each other so much. Storytelling workshop are making an awesome performance. Storytelling workshop is over.

Yeah, and it was one of the best experiences in my life. The workshop consisted of sixteen members, each and every one of them had his own background, his own jokes, and his own personality. We were all so unique and brilliant. Imagine your favorite words all magically making one perfect sentence, that’s how we were.

We Were Awesome

I didn’t want to write this, because writing this makes me feel that its over… and its not, I mean we still talk a lot and we still meet, but not like before that’s all i’m saying. And I don’t wake up everyday feeling the buzz of excitement, waiting for my lectures to end so I could finally go and be with my people. No. All of this is over, reality spanked me on the face… and i’m not so grateful.

This is where the book steps in: I was happy. The book was sad. The book was awesome. Which resulted to what might be the best period in my life ever since 2013 maybe. why? you ask?

Let me tell you why:

  • It was the first time on stage for me and it felt incredible, I was so scared and so excited and it left me breathless.
  • It was the first time for me to write in Arabic and actually like it.
  • It was the first time to see a theatrical performance with those awesome people.
  • It was the first time i shared so many personal things with people I don’t know that well in a very short time.
  • It was the first time crushing on someone because I can, not because I do.
  • It was the first time to cry and not feel like I shouldn’t be crying.
  • First time laughing at the same goddamn jokes we said 1000 times.
  • First time to accept that “human emotions” and “being in a relationship” don’t have to mean that you suck. (yes i thought that! whatever!)

We laughed a lot, cried too. In one month we managed to do something magical that i get to cherish for the rest of my life. I miss them everyday, and I don’t want to start studying, and I don’t want to move on… I will though. and i’m sure we’ll make lots of memories every time we meet each other. Plus who says this is the end? This is beginning.

So those are some of the songs we heard during our time together… and some of them were heard for the first time during this period:

5- Watch me – Silento

Well the choreography workshop used to dance on this song, so we used to join them making weird moves… right before our performance I was so nervous and they played this song, then we all started dancing again. It was perfect.

4- El Morabba3 – ElMokhtalfin

There was this one day we sat in the garden in their university and we played this song, this is one of my favorite days because we talked a lot and it rained a little and it was perfect.

3- Hayajan – Ween El Kalam

Same day.

2- Anathema – Anathema

First heard this back at the time and it hit me hard in the feels… like honestly WHAT IS THIS SONG?

1- محمد منير – الدنيا ريشة ف هوا

We actually sang this on stage together before the performance ended. and its lyrics are so relate-able.